Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Patience Is Not My Virtue

We are finally in the 9th month with less than 30 days to go, his due date is one month from today! With our 36 week mark approaching in two days, we are finally "in the clear" as far as a healthy baby goes. This whole time, my doctor predicted that he would be really premature. He has surpassed all of that and even though he could still be "early" at 36 weeks there would be little to no NICU time and we are beyond thrilled about that. However, this waiting game has been miserable! I am so ready to meet my little man. 

When I first went into full-blown "preterm labor" over a month ago, my first thought was "I've gotta keep him in there and keep him healthy, at all costs!" and my second thought was somewhere along the lines of "I've never experienced pregnancy before, I want to make it all the way til the end so I experience everything that comes along with pregnancy". Little did I know, these parts of pregnancy are less than thrilling. My body has gone through way more than I ever thought possible, things people have NEVER mentioned to me about pregnancy before. You mean to tell me I've still got a MONTH to deal with all these things? I know I've always been a bit of a "hypochondriac" or in my words "in tune with my body". But there is literally a new symptom every day. One day there is a rash covering my arms, the next there is a poison ivy like rash all over my belly, "blood bruising" on my legs from swelling, something I like to call "lightening crotch" that literally feels like a lightening bolt right to the cervix. The first time I ever got it, even though his head is engaged, I was sure that there was an arm or leg sticking out. It felt like a knife cutting right through. I even asked Phillip if anything was hanging out because obviously, I cannot see those parts of my body. 

I got skills: 
-Learning to manuever my body plus 30 extra pounds out of the bed every 30 minutes for a bathroom trip. You literally have to roll off the bed, putting your feet against the wall so you don't roll too far, lying there for a second because that took alot of effort and your already tired, trying to lift up or roll up without getting a contraction because that can stop you for another minute if your in pain. You just pray not to get a charlie horse in your calves because those last sometimes for minutes at a time and if you really gotta go then those few minutes are crucial. HA! 

-Waddling to the bathroom holding your hips because your sciatic nerve is KILLING, stopping in your tracks to grab your "lightening crotch", trying to keep your legs closed because it feels like a bowling ball is about to fall out and to prevent anymore "LC". When you finally get to the bathroom you only "trickle". After you get back to bed it isn't THAT bad. I have a routine of tums (because even water gives me heartburn) and rehydrating, repositioning the heating pad to another part of my aching body, getting back comfortable (the hardest part of getting back into bed), and resting my eyes until the next episode. 

-I'm not working anymore (Yay, early maternity leave), but I still get cankles. Not just cankles, full blown balloon ankles and sausage link toes. I haven't tried to put on a pair of real shoes since I can't remember when. It's flip flops 99.9% of the time, since they just slip on. It's a chore just shaving my legs and putting on lotion, much less trying to paint my toenails. One minute my rings fit fine, then the next I can't pry them off. 

-I don't even attempt to get dressed anymore. There's no point, even the maternity clothes are snug. Trying to put on a pair of pants or underwear definitely takes skill. Thankfully, Phillip helps me when he's home. 

-The biggest skill I've mananged is refraining to punch people in the throat when they offer unwanted pregnancy advice. I want to be a hermit crab these next few weeks, not hear another comment about MY pregnancy or the way I chose to do things, and not leave my house where there temp is set to 65 degrees. No one cares if I'm dressed and I get to eat all the food my pantry can store. I know thats wishful thinking and I will have to get out at some point, but it sounds so promising. :) I'm really not THAT bad, but there are days when I feel this way. 

I'm sure I've aquired more skills over this pregnancy, those are just some of the most recent ones. Its definitely an invasion of your body, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know the moment I meet him, all these pregnancy pains will disappear. I'm just so ready to hold him and kiss little baby feet. I love sitting in the nursery, smelling all of his clothes, and wishing he was already here! I'm still planning a natural labor and I've been preparing for this in many ways to get my cervix ripened and pelvis ready for a quick and fast delivery ;) At 37 weeks, I'll probably start walking moderately and trying some natural induction methods. They won't work anyway unless he's ready to come, but if he is ready hopefully they'll speed things along. I've even considered getting membranes stripped (OUCH!) because I don't want Pitocin, at all! I'm 2cm and  75% effaced, but I could stay that way for a while. I'm actually hoping she won't check at my appointment tomorrow because its SO uncomfortable and it doesn't really tell you that much anyway. His head is engaged at a -2 station, so he's still got some dropping to do, but not much. 

Well, I'm off to the birthing ball and drinking my cup of Raspberry Leaf Tea. I still owe an update on his nursery and our last two showers, but I'll get to it eventually. :) 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I am your safe place

I can tell by the way you slip into my room when you wake during the night, sniffling as you shuffle down the hallway and then, having arrived, breathing that deep sigh of contentment.

I am your safe place.

I can tell by the way you run to me, crying, holding out a hand or lifting up a knee for me to kiss better. Like magic, it works every time. The tears stop and you run off, just like that, and I wish I could cure the world so easily as I can soothe your bumps and scrapes.

I am your safe place.

I can tell by the way you curl into me when you're scared, pressed hard against me, certain that I can protect you. One day you'll realize that I can't always keep you safe, but for now you rest secure in your belief that I am omnipotent.

I am your safe place.

I can tell by the way you reach for my hand when you're feeling uncertain or overwhelmed, sometimes wrapping both arms around my leg or hiding your face against my neck. I understand, sweet child, and I will allow you the time you need to feel comfortable stepping away.

I am your safe place.

I can tell by the way you tell me a hundred times a day, I like-a be wif you. I reply in kind each time - I like to be with you too - and I mean it so very much.

I am your safe place.

I can tell by our late-night conversations, my night owl, when you ask your big questions and explore your fears. I don't always know how to answer, but I hope that I can consistently lead you to God, our true safe place in this world.

I am your safe place, but I don't always understand it. Most days I feel like a child myself, pretending to be a real live grown-up but waiting all the while for someone to discover the truth. One day you'll realize that I don't know as much as you think I do, that really I'm just stumbling along, doing my best, like everyone else on this planet.

I am your safe place, but I don't always deserve it, this I know. I lose my temper, criticize, shame, and I see the confusion in your eyes. But more than that, I see the acceptance: I am your safe place, so what I say must be true, there must be something wrong with you. Oh, but there's not, sweet child, and one of my most fervent prayers is that you will always remember my apologies above the thoughtless words that prompted them.

I am your safe place, but I know it won't always be so. One day you'll find a new safe place and it will be someone else who strokes your hair as you confess your worries into the quiet darkness of night.

But for now, for whatever crazy reason, I am your safe place.

And I am honoured.

-from a friend

Friday, June 8, 2012

34 weeks!

I have A LOT of catching up to do so bear with me! I'll start from the beginning.

False Alarm...Thursday May 24th:
I was having a pretty regular day. I didn't have to be at work until 1 and was actually working at our Renaissance location that day. I woke up around 8:30, had some breakfast, laid by the pool for about an hour to work on my tan, got ready, and cooked a small lunch for Phillip. I rested a lot in between all these activities, so it was nothing strenuous or rushed at all. I left for work and stopped by Bon Ami to get my favorite berry tea because it was SO HOT outside. Work that day was pretty laid back  that day and I got off early so Phillip met me at Bonefish for dinner. We stopped back by my mom's house to pick up some things she had bought for Titus, and by this point I was pretty much in pain. I've had some uncomfortable contractions this whole time but I was doubling over in pain. So we did the only thing we knew to do and went home, took medicine, drank lots of water, and got in the bed to rest. I started counting the contractions about 8:30 and within an hour at complete rest they were at 2-3 minutes apart and stronger than ever. So I called the nurse-on-call, she called the hospital and made sure they had a bed ready, and we were on our way (after Phillip scrounged around to pack a quick bag). Sure enough, I was contracting off the monitor. We were naming them (mole hills, mt. everest, mt. Kilimanjaro, etc). They slowed down with IV fluids and a terbutaline shot. When that didn't help, the 2nd terbutaline shot knocked them on out for a while. And let me just tell you, you never want that shot unless you have to have it. My pulse was sky rocketing and I was very jittery. YUCK! They let us go home around 2:30 and we were exhausted! She put me on bed rest until I saw my doctor the following week.

I love my doctor and all, but she hasn't been the most "on top of things" doctor I've ever had. She's pretty relaxed about any and every situation in this pregnancy, unlike other doctors and nurses I've seen. She pretty much told me I could go back to work but we might have to stop labor again, or if I wanted to sit the week out and rest up to get past the 34 week mark then thats what we would do. No thanks, I think I'd rather wait it out a week, not have to go to the hospital AGAIN and play like a pin cushion. I didn't want to chance it. She's not stopping labor after 34 weeks and I'm going back to work full time, until its time to have the baby. This scares me, A LOT. I know I'm very lucky to have kept the baby in this long and people have 34 week old babies all the time that are healthy, but a stay in the NICU is what I'm trying to avoid and a healthy baby is my goal. Good news is, the baby is measuring big! At 33 weeks he measured 35 weeks with a head as big as 37 weeks! 5.3 pounds and 66th percentile (not sure what that means?) and his feet were almost 3 inches long! :)

As of now, we have less 6 weeks left to go and I'm ready to meet our little baby! I get emotional over pampers commercials, A Baby Story on TLC, and thinking about sweet baby feet. We've had our shower at Phillip's work, shower at church, maternity pictures, and we will have our family shower this weekend! It's all going by so fast, now all we have to do is play the waiting game. Phillip has been so supportive though. Say a prayer for him and me through these last couple of weeks as I've been on an emotional roller coaster and probably be a bit more moody than either of us enjoy. :) Hopefully I'll have time for one more maternity picture/shower post before he's here!

Oh & he's been practice breathing! Its the most amazing thing to watch!! Hopefully that means his little lungs are developing well!